You Know You're An Autograph Addict When...

By Josh Moyer (the Autograph Addict):

• You refer to any mail that is not an SASE as junk mail.
• You buy new shirts just for the cardboard backing boards.
• A photo with no autograph looks "naked" to you.
• You carry a Sharpie and some index cards with you at all times, just in case.
• You have spent hours upon hours designing and practicing your own signature for when you become famous.
• You spend almost half your income on stamps and manila envelopes.
• You account for a large percentage of your town's incoming and outgoing mail, and everyone at the Post Office knows you by name.
• You have memorized the ZIP codes for most of Southern California, and can recite every person who lives on Wilshire Blvd.
• Your lists and list of celebrity addresses are bigger than your town's phonebook.
• Your computer's hard drive is crammed with any of the following: downloaded addresses, old ACL posts, scans of your collection, or a massive database to track your requests.
• You dread Sundays and other national holidays when the mail does not come.
• You've actually asked a team mascot, a bat boy or ball girl, or a theme park's cartoon character for their autograph.
• You can tell how much postage a package will take just by looking at it.
• You've gone to a sporting event or concert you didn't like just in the hopes of getting a few signatures.
• You plan your vacations around autograph opportunities.
• You don't mail any requests at college for fear that the mailbox will be blown up.
• You interrupt most current events conversations with "I have their autograph, you know!"
• You have contemplated moving to California to cut back on your mail's reply time.
• You have hired a private detective to investigate your mailman on suspicions of mail theft.
• An increase in postal rates means you have to replan your entire personal budget.
• Instead of an air freshener, you hang a Sharpie on the mirror with the cap off (this is in addition to the dozens of pens you keep in the car).
• You know more about mail regulations than your town's postmaster.
• You always carry extra pens with you - only having one is just asking for trouble.
• When meeting a celebrity in person, you don't even have to ask for an autograph, they can tell just by looking at you what you want.
• When someone asks you to "sign here" you ask "Who should I inscribe it to?"
• You use scraps of paper as notes for a speech rather than "waste" index cards.

By Mattress:

• You're the only one outside to greet the mailman at your mailbox.
• You jump off the couch every time you hear a car drive by thinking it's the mail truck.
• While shopping, you always hit the the office supply aisle before leaving.
• You show everyone and anyone your collection.
• You apply at your post office for a job to get your mail quicker.
• You have stamps of all denominations: $.01, .32, .33, .40, .55, 1.00....etc.
• You mail about 10 pound of letters every week!
• Your printer breaks down because you've printed too many requests.
• Your mail log is thicker than your cable guide.
• It takes two hands to carry your mail to the mail box.
• Your mailman tells you: "Sorry, just junk mail and bills today!"
• Your mailman tells you: "Hey! Give me back my mail bag!"
• Your wife is getting sick of hearing "Uh huh" whenever she talks to you while you write requests.
• You feel guilty for hiding stamps from your wife.
• You break down and cry when the weather is too nasty for the mailman to deliver.
• You constantly watch "Access Hollywood" and "Entertainment Tonight" to get an idea where a celebrity lives.

By Terry Luddy:

• Manila is your favorite color.
• You post a "Do Not Bend" sign on your mailbox.

   

By Eric Schmidt:

• You come home for your lunch break the same time the mailman comes to your house.
• You run to the front door because you think you heard the mailman's car door close.
• You feel your stomach ache when there are so SASEs in the mailbox.

   

By Opie:

• You ask your son's very cute second grade teacher, "How would you like an autograph from John Travolta?"

By Chadman99@aol.com:

• You sit on the floor under your door's mail slot and try to catch the mail

   

By Poopy10400@aol.com:

• You thank god that the lickable stamps are a thing of the past.
• The mail seems to come later and later every day.
• You think that the big manilla envelope in the box is a success only to have your heart broken when you notice Ed McMahon's face on it.
• You open your paycheck after your successes.
• You could win on "Jeopardy" if Final Jeopardy's category was "Zip Codes."

   

By neverhurtu@aol.com:

• You have more pictures of stars than of your family.
• A girlfriend gives you a picture, and you say: "What, no autograph?"

By robearl:

• You mail out so many autograph requests that you need an autopen to sign them all

   

By Chris Robbins:

• You check every search-engine known to man for a particular celebrity's address.
• Every list that the spouse sends with you to the grocery store includes stamps and envelopes.
• You read "Alt.Collecting.Autographs" 'til the wee hours of the morning (like me, you people know who you are! :-)
• You send more snail mail than e-mail.
• You have bookmarked more people's autograph pages than anything else on your computer.
• You check to see if your payroll check is a pre-print or an autopen.
• The first thing you open isn't the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue that came in the mail, but the SASE that was on top of it.
• You check the mailbox on days when you know that no mail will be delivered, just to see if somehow the mail came anyway.
• You have a stack of SASE's made up in advance, and waiting to be sent.
• The local office supply store special orders blank index cards just for you.

Celebrity Autographs and Historical Signatures

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